Judge Kavanaugh Credited for Reversing A.D.D.
For the first time since President Trump’s election national statistics for Attention Deficit Disorder have shown a decline.
“It just goes to show,” said Surgeon General, a.k.a. “the nation’s doctor,” Jerome Adams, “that there is a silver lining to every cloud.”
Since President Trump has been in office a generalized national condition of Attention Deficit Disorder had shown signs of steady and dramatic increase.
Some have argued that the apparent inability of the President himself to focus on anything for more than thirty seconds has contributed to an escalation of this worrisome trend.
Nationally, average attention span indicators had plunged from thirty seconds to 7.5 since January 20, 2017.
Furthermore, the “Daily Crisis Index” (which tracks the number of crises in a twenty-four hour news cycle) showed that instead of one crisis a day, we now experience twenty-seven.
“A.D.D. had really reached epidemic levels,” declared Adams.
But this week, thanks it seems, to Judge Kavanaugh, the nation has recovered it’s ability to focus.
“It appears that we may go an entire week with really only one crisis,” noted another leading authority on national attention spans and cognitive disorders.
Not even the news of a trade agreement with Canada seemed to be able to alter the nation’s laser-like focus.
“The news networks have been able to deploy all their resources to this one story, resulting in what we consider a hyper-ongic elevation of the 24/7 news cycle.
“Now, what we’re concerned about isn’t the crisis multiplicity, but that people are going so deeply into this one crisis that some viewers may never return. One worrisome sign, here, is people spending hours scouring their high-school yearbooks for information about Judge Kavanaugh.”
Meanwhile, Brett Kavanaugh advised of the reversal of the worrisome A.D.D. trends commented, “See I really am a good guy. Let’s have a beer.”