What's Tony Thinking

The Poetry of Junk


I happened to get into the “Junk” file of one of my email accounts the other day, and thought the headers there made a kind of strange poem of our times. (For those who wonder why no political stuff here, that all seems to go to my other email account’s junk file).

“Notes From the 21st Century Virtual Circular File”

# 1  Heart Killer?

Flabby Arms?

Blood Sugar Defense!

Hair Restoration!

Huge Thighs?

Thyroid Deficiency?


Neuro Gum.

Air Protect Pro

Air Protect Amateur

Relief Cure Laser

Easy Fit!

Nuubu — Give Your Body a Cleanse While You Sleep!

Plastic Sheets On Special

CBD Gummies — Special Offer from Martha Stewart

Home Re-Decorating Without Anxiety

Carpal Tunnel?

CBD Gummies Galore! More flavors than Jelly Beans!

Tactical Air Drone. Watch the Neighbors! Protect Your Property!

Nerve Damage Warning. Soon it will be too late!

Special Oil! Works for your car or your hair!

Loud Dogs?

Dick’s Rifle Range: Take Our Quick Training

Flabby Arms?

Fix Your Mental State . . . Now

Blissy Partner

Huge Thighs?

Get More MPG

20 Second Pain Fix

Vitamin Recall!

Pump Your Own Stomach With This Amazing Device!

Dr. Seuss and His Friends

Identity Cancellation: It Could Happen to You

Footy Massager Carpet

I-Hand Massager.

Terminix Pest Control

Thinning Hair?

My Injury Advocate

No More Wrinkles!

Frozen Face Release Therapy

CBD Gummies

Pain Free Life

Bye Bye Fat!

Quality Healing News

Get Your Life Back!

P.S. Just to be on the up and up, I did invent five of these, hopefully adding to the humor quotient (game: guess which five are ringers). Several male readers have noted the absence of the ubiquitous ads for “penile enlargement.” As it happened, I didn’t have any of those in this month’s junk file (so far), but might have chosen not to include them if I had, in the interest of keeping things more or less PG.

Categories: Uncategorized